May 5 is Children’s Day in many parts of the world and it seems fitting to me that that this is the day I post a recommendation about a great book. It’s a book for parents, on how to be better parents by letting kids be kids, by understanding what kids do and why they do what they do.
You’d think that adults, having gone through that phase of humanity called “childhood” already, would actually know how to deal with children. But no. We forget. We forget what it’s like to be a child and we forget what children need and want and how they work.
What is this book and what is it about? The title says it all. No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson.
I kinda needed this book. I have a tendency to lose my cool with my son. He’s a good kid, but being six he’s bound to do what all six year olds across time and space have always done. He climbs on top of shelves, tables, banisters. He jumps off of beds, tables, dressers. His decibel level rises 10x when he’s playing with his friends, he gets rambunctious and sometimes hits, sometimes pouts, sometimes whines, and the list goes on. So when I lose my cool, I blow my top and yell – which leads to more drama and more unproductive time where my wife has to calm both of us down.
So I am all for the advice that’s in this book by the authors of “The Whole-Brain Child”. They have a ton and a half of excellent advice, which are all worth a full read, but to give the Cliffnotes version summary, a lot of the advice boils down to the following things:
- Calm down (you and the kid),
- Connect with your kid first before anything else,
- And take a Socratic approach to “disciplining “.
The authors’ thesis stems from their contention that “discipline” really means to teach, and no teaching by the parent or learning by the kid can take place if we’re both riled up. So we have to calm down. Us first (since we’re the adult), and then calm the child down by offering security, comfort, and love. Then connect with the kid by demonstrating that they can let their guard down (they know that they’re in trouble or that they’re upset) so you need to open up avenues of communication with them – and there are specific techniques the authors recommend, like physical and eye contact, getting down to their physical level, and the like.
And finally, rather than lecturing or yelling, engage in a dialogue with the child. Misbehavior is a form of communication – a very poor one but what can you expect from a brain that’s still developing – so the onus is on us as the humans with the fully developed brain to understand this and allow the kid to practice talking to us. Express to them that we get they’re upset and ask questions to elicit responses and self expression from them.
I can say that I have tried (when I remember it) the very same advice and it does work. My son’s response is almost always positive, rather than reactive or combative as when I yell at him.
Give the book a read and give the advice a try. I think you’ll be glad you did.